I wish I had thought of this on my own, but, I don’t live in a bubble. Portland is a wild and thriving town for learning something new, especially if you go the right parties. It was on Halloween night that I actually encountered my new favorite Christmas myth: The Legend of the Poop-Man.

I first heard tell of The Poop-Man when I noticed peculiar party favors adorning the pockets of a party I attended. Upon entering, there was a blanket out with chocolate chip cookies, and a casserole dish with…Usually I want to eat cookies when I see them, but these cookies, at this party, they were right next to shit.

So realistic was this shit, that I did not have to the fortitude to verify that it was real. Didn’t stop my friends though, and verdict? REAL HUMAN SHIT IS NEEDED to conjure Poop Man. Also, they had a glass of pee/apple juice? I didn’t check that either. It should be noted that the process for checking the nature of the shit included wafting

The cookies and feces were next to children’s notes asking Santa for gifts, and imploring The Poop Man to take their mother to space, respectively. The mother, Poop Man was told, leaves her children in the bath too long, among other unspeakable crimes.

So, this year, this is what you get from me. The continuation of POOP MAN. If you wish to honor this new demi god this X mas, you know how to make an offering. You probably get faster service if you donate the higher quality/quantity, thanksgiving related, specimens.

On an interesting side note, my mother is moving away to California for an exciting job and new life.

THANKS, Poop Man!

Posted December 2008